Reflections on my trip to San Diego
Last week, I packed my suitcase and flew solo to San Diego. I had never been to California. I didn't even really know what to expect once I got there.
All I knew was that I was going to meet Samantha Skelly, my breathwork teacher, in person for the first time, and learn from her and her two mentors, Raina DeLear and Kristen Greco, who are energy healers. Twenty-five women convened from 9AM to 5PM for three full days, and went on a journey of exploration and reconnection with ourselves.
I took the plunge because I trust Sam. I had experienced her breathwork magic for myself, and that trust was enough to get me on the plane.
What I didn't know was just how much was waiting for me on the other side.
What actually happened in there
The retreat was called Advanced Energetics - a combination of breathwork and energy healing. If you've never experienced energy healing, I understand if your eyebrows just went up. Before San Diego, mine might have too. All I can say is: I felt it. And it has already made a profound difference in how I move through my life.
Through breathwork, I got curious about and released trauma I was still carrying. And through energy healing, I was able to come back into alignment.
I discovered I was cut off from my root chakra. If you've ever felt overwhelmed by life, like you are a spectator rather than a participant, just along for the ride and surviving instead of truly living, that's what misalignment felt like to me. I was floating away in the wind, never truly feeling grounded, never quite feeling like I belonged anywhere.
The energy healers worked their magic - snapping their fingers, waving their hands, moving and reconnecting the energy - and I felt it click back into place. A feeling of warmth. A flow of newfound strength coming from deep inside of me.
You may read this and think "she's lost it with all this woo woo stuff." And unless you've done this work, I completely understand. It's genuinely hard to imagine. But I've experienced it. And the shift has been real.
Since coming back, I feel more joy simply doing everyday tasks. I get to share my daughters' joy instead of feeling like I have to be so serious all the time. I've found delight in the simple things again, and a childlike curiosity about situations, instead of spiralling into "fix it" mode. For someone who spent over a decade in high-functioning anxiety, this feels nothing short of miraculous.
What I learned about fear
One of the most powerful realizations that came through breathwork was about my relationship with visibility.
I thought I had a fear of being seen. But when I breathed into it, the density was somewhere else entirely. It was rejection. What I am truly afraid of is the feeling of rejection, and the lengths my nervous system has gone to in order to protect me from ever feeling it.
The pattern my body adopted to keep me safe? Don't share anything too personal or too real. Stay behind the violin. Stay polished. Stay safe.
I am putting my big girl pants on and recognizing that rejection will happen. Not everyone will resonate with me or my work. And that is perfectly okay. In fact, sharing honestly and openly about my beliefs and my experiences will naturally draw in the people who belong in my world, and lovingly release those who don't. What a gift.
What I learned about grief
This is the part that cracked me open the most.
I went to San Diego carrying what I thought was grief about the orchestra's bankruptcy. But when I breathed into it, I discovered something deeper and more tender underneath.
It wasn't grief about the orchestra. It was grief for the life I had imagined for myself. And if I'm really honest, it was grief for the way I thought motherhood would feel.
I had a very specific notion of how motherhood was going to unfold for me. Natural, full of tender and picture-perfect moments. And I have experienced those moments. But there is also a lot of chaos that comes with this territory. I wasn’t prepared for the mess, the tantrums, the rejection (even from my own kids!). The distance it can sometimes create between me and my husband. And so my experience has been completely different from the very beginning. Sitting with that in a breathwork session, in a room full of women, something in me finally softened around it.
I am learning to let go of those expectations. It isn't fair to me or my girls. They are their own people. They always have been. And I am learning - slowly, with tenderness - to let them be my teachers, just as much as, if not more than, I can be theirs.
The biggest takeaway
The magic is in the present.
As soon as I fall into ruminating the past or projecting into the future, I completely miss what is right in front of me. And what is right in front of me is extraordinary, I just couldn't always see it through the noise.
Staying present takes practice. It is not a destination I will arrive at and then be done. But breathwork is the anchor I am choosing, again and again, to come back to the now. To remind myself to choose joy.
I came back from San Diego different. Not fixed, I don't think that's the point. But more myself than I have felt in a very long time.
And I can't wait to keep going.
If any of this resonates with you, and you're curious about what breathwork could move in you, I still have a few free 1:1 sessions available before I transition to paid offerings. I would love to hold space for you.
And if you're not quite ready for a 1:1 session, I now have another way for you to experience breathwork from the comfort of your own home.
Starting this month, I am offering free online group breathwork sessions every Monday and Wednesday evening, from 7:30 to 8:30PM EST, via Zoom. Sessions are drop-in - no commitment, no pressure. Just show up, breathe, and see what moves.
A few things to know:
Sessions are capped at 8 participants to keep the container intimate and safe
A minimum of 3 participants is needed for each session to run
These are offered free as part of my Pause Breathwork Facilitator certification practicum hours
All you need is a quiet space, a comfortable surface, and an open mind
Group breathwork has its own particular magic. There is something about breathing together that amplifies everything.